I know there may be a few people here who read this and wonder when I'm going to update.

Well... I am so very, very busy, and I will update when I'm good and ready!  Our journey will start when I have more than 5 minutes to call my own.  I need to wait until the summer holidays.  However, my passion to have a child has not died.  It is still one of the more important things in my life.  I am becoming more confident that Dave is more receptive to the idea.  It is something that we need to chat over more, this is a big commitment.  (more than the wedding ring he has yet to offer me... but that's a different story...)

Keep with my guys, we'll get there.

I never claimed that i would update this journal on a regular basis, and it has taken a back seat for a while.  Life has been so busy.  I work hard and play hard.  (though mainly work!)

I did apply for the job at school, the interviews were today, and I didn't get the job.  I'm a great believer in what will be will be.  I knew that if I didn't get the job there was a reason and another purpose to me than teaching.  I'm not interested in feedback, I'm not really that interested in (ahem) "furthering my career".  My wish is to adopt in the next 12 months.  Dave knows this...

The reason for applying was the fact that I need to make plans incase adoption didn't happen.  There's only so much twiddling of thumbs that one can do, and a permanent job would have really settled us financially too, meaning that when the time came, we would be so much more able for a child.  But money isn't the be all and end all.  We can afford a child in our lives, and we would like a child in our lives (though I'm still waiting for Dave to realise this... )

So, not getting this job has made our decision easier.  I'm going to start being serious about this adoption business now, and get on to it!

I've really appreciated the comments I've found here - so much wisdom and support - thank you.  Please come back and visit again.

I have decided not to apply for the permanent job.  My current position carries on until April 2007.  I have thoroughly enjoyed the first week, I know there is a long way to go, but I know what my priorities are, and what they need to be.

Also, we came back from the meet in Leeds via Derby, the peaks, etc today, and we have realised that we want to move back to Derby.  We miss the hills, the fact that 'nowhere' was only 5 minutes away, and the close proximity of everything.  We are therefore pretty adament that we will move back up North sometime in 2007.  That's NOT to say we don't like it here in Herb Lane, because we DO.  It's just that well, we realise what we had there, and now know where we want to be.  Dave just needs to find the right job for a transfer, come next year.

Mrs B... will be practically on your doorstep! ARGHHHHHH

Well, I found out today that the school I'm currently working at is going to advertise for a full time position.  I enjoy working at this school (I've been going there for nearly 2 years, before getting my 1 year contract) and was starting to wonder about taking on a full time position - should I apply and be successful.

It's so difficult.  I want to plan for the future, but I want to be sure that my plans are flexible enough should a child become part of our lives in the near future.  With this in mind, I feel that I should not apply for the job, but return to supply teaching after next April.  Obviously, this gives me nearly 12 months to work on the possibility of adoption before I need to start applying for school based jobs.  If we can afford it, I don't tend to work while we have a child at home.  It's a personal preference, and one that Dave agrees with.  Supply teaching gives me a flexibility to stop when (if) I need to.  It is a clear option for me.

On the one hand, I feel disappointed that I'm already pulling out of a career that I am settled in, and want to progress in - especially when I've only had 2 days (both great! ) into my current post.  But on the other, I know my long term goal is not to teach children, but to love and nurture.  As much I love my class (I've known them for a couple of years too) I want a closer, more maternal love.

Does that make sense?  I hope so.

So, I've made my first bit of investigation.  Thanks to Mr Google.

The AdoptionUK  website looks like a great starting place, and somewhere I think that I'll be spending alot of time visiting in the future.

Any other links I find will be put at the side of the page.  To be honest, I'll only be looking for UK ones, so sorry for anyone else who comes looking.

Like I said... It's a start...

I've just realised that none of my friends know this journal exists anymore... I've changed my username, and so my url has also changed...  so, I'm the only one who has visited here!

So why now?  Why the sudden urge to have a child?  Why not wait until we are a little older, a little more settled, have more space?  Because if we did wait for that, then there would never be a right time.  We'd always hold out for something more.  Eventually, you have to bite the bullet, and you have to go for it.

I have always told Dave that as I approach 34 I would seriously want us to consider adoption and start the process off.  He pretends not to hear, so I remind him often.  I suppose that sometimes I can be relentless in my wish, but I did give him a year before I started bringing the subject up AGAIN!  Surely that's enough time to play around with the idea in your head, or maybe its enough time to forget!  I don't know with Dave.

The main reason for now is a fear of running out of time.  I have a  worry that one day I'll start to make enquiries, and they'll say "Rachael, you're too old."  I've given it 3 years since I was first in remission.  I have more years before I leave the 'danger zone'.  After those 5 years the odds that my cancer will return are slashed dramatically.  This will go well with our application.  I've waited long enough to prove that I'm unlikely to die of cancer in the next few years, but not so long that I'm likely to die of old age... there seems to be a pretty thin line between the 2.

It certainly isn't a sudden decision.  Like I said, I've been thinking about it, and working on Dave's acceptance, support and participation of it for the past 2 years.  It just has to be.  If it isn't going to happen now, then I'm going to start applying for permanent jobs, and that's it!  Once I get back in the class full time and on a permanent basis, I'll never get out again!  (except for holidays!)

So, where to now?  I could research all I wish on the internet, but where do I start?  I have a cousin who has worked for adoption services in London, maybe I should ask her... but the moment a family member gets involved, the whole family knows... it's not the way I want it to go at the moment.  I can't be doing with all the questioning and busybody enquiries that we're sure to get.  This has to be low-key at the moment.

Think of me, and remember that I'm interested in your views and experiences.

In your 20's, you sort of take having a child for granted.  You're young, healthy, having fun, and the time for babies seems a long way off.  Slowly you start age.  You get established in your job, you meet the man/woman you want to be with for the rest of your life.  You start to plan for the future.  The future included children, but not quite yet.

Then you receive news that changes the rest of your life.  It puts some things into perspective, it gives you a sense of purpose.  You understand how precious life is.  You start to live it, and appreciate it for what it is. 

You then have feelings of bitterness, of jealousy that eats in to the heart of you... that is the part of your heart that hasn't already been smashed to smithereens by the news that had the biggest change on  you ever... YOU'RE INFERTILE.  Not only are you infertile, barren, unable to conceive, won't be having babies, but even if you could, you could never carry full term.  Your womb/uterus is damaged beyond repair and is not strong enough to carry a child.

OUCH!

Now some people say... you're alive!  Be grateful for what you've got!  Stop playing the victim! Think of all those who didn't survive.

They don't understand.  They don't know of the longing inside that starts to consume you.  They don't understand that just because you can survive cancer doesn't mean that you  brush every other emotion and feeling to the side.  There's more to me than  being a cancer surviver.  I'm more dimensional than that!  You'll discover that in time.

Well, Dave and I have been together over 9 years.  We have survived possible job losses and my cancer.  We have worked through all sorts of problems, both emotional and physical.  We understand that marriage may be for the future, we understand that we may not. 

Now it's time for our biggest challenge. We want to adopt.  Ok, I'll be honest.  I want to adopt, but Dave is a little slower coming round to the idea.  Over the next few months I will be researching the route to adoption, and talking Dave round to it.  If he can't feel happy with it, then I suppose this quest will have to stop.  If he does come round, then it will be all systems go, and I will be recording our progress here.

Stick with us, we'll need all the support we can get!