Have you ever wondered what it's like to want something so much that your heart feels likes its going to break everytime you see somebody with the thing you want?
Have you ever felt such a jealousy of people who have what you don't?
Do you know what it feel like when you need to show joy your face, and in your actions, but inside you're crying?
That's what I feel like when people tell me they're expecting a baby. That's how I feel with every new baby I meet.
But it's time to do something about it... the time is right, it's time to consider the road to adoption.
Come on that journey with me, help me along the way. There's going to be excitement, joy, frustration, upset, impatience, mis-understanding, and a partner who needs just a little more convincing...Seat belts on folks...
I've just realised that none of my friends know this journal exists anymore... I've changed my username, and so my url has also changed... so, I'm the only one who has visited here!
So why now? Why the sudden urge to have a child? Why not wait until we are a little older, a little more settled, have more space? Because if we did wait for that, then there would never be a right time. We'd always hold out for something more. Eventually, you have to bite the bullet, and you have to go for it.
I have always told Dave that as I approach 34 I would seriously want us to consider adoption and start the process off. He pretends not to hear, so I remind him often. I suppose that sometimes I can be relentless in my wish, but I did give him a year before I started bringing the subject up AGAIN! Surely that's enough time to play around with the idea in your head, or maybe its enough time to forget! I don't know with Dave.
The main reason for now is a fear of running out of time. I have a worry that one day I'll start to make enquiries, and they'll say "Rachael, you're too old." I've given it 3 years since I was first in remission. I have more years before I leave the 'danger zone'. After those 5 years the odds that my cancer will return are slashed dramatically. This will go well with our application. I've waited long enough to prove that I'm unlikely to die of cancer in the next few years, but not so long that I'm likely to die of old age... there seems to be a pretty thin line between the 2.
It certainly isn't a sudden decision. Like I said, I've been thinking about it, and working on Dave's acceptance, support and participation of it for the past 2 years. It just has to be. If it isn't going to happen now, then I'm going to start applying for permanent jobs, and that's it! Once I get back in the class full time and on a permanent basis, I'll never get out again! (except for holidays!)
So, where to now? I could research all I wish on the internet, but where do I start? I have a cousin who has worked for adoption services in London, maybe I should ask her... but the moment a family member gets involved, the whole family knows... it's not the way I want it to go at the moment. I can't be doing with all the questioning and busybody enquiries that we're sure to get. This has to be low-key at the moment.
Think of me, and remember that I'm interested in your views and experiences.
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Saw your pics of Nerja. I love it there 
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